The Epic of the Lemondrops
by Black Alice Butterfly
Summary: Harry has his revenge against Dumbledore for his miserable life in a most unconventional way. Revenge has never been so sweet.  Or classy, but it doesn't quite have the same ring.  This was meant as a sort of AU crackish spoof of a revenge fic. Enjoy.


Prologue: The Epic of the Lemondrops- How it came to be

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><p>It was a fine, dandy summer day in Diagon Alley. People were shopping in the happy, bustling streets of the equivalent of a Wizard shopping district. The Apothocary was having a sale, and there were discounts in the Quidditch store on hand gloves, made to stay on while you played the match. It was meant to grip the broom and whatever ball you were going to use rather firmly.<p>

Flortescue was doing booming business. Ice creams were selling like hotcakes to the hot people in Diagon Alley. It wasn't so hot as that the treats melted, but just warm enough to enjoy it properly. Voldemort was gone (Or so the Ministry kept on insisting), and no one had to fear anything. Families with their children ran around in the streets. A faint breeze blew.

Then, something rather interesting happened.

_"WHAT?" _A thunderous voice boomed from Gringotts, rattling windows and making whatever few babies that were taken by their parents to Diagon Alley bawl in fear of what seemed like the voice of god.

You see, this particular voice came from one Harry Potter, and he was angry enough to smack a Unicorn with a bag of pot. And he wasn't god yet, despite many fans of the Boy-Who-Lived claiming that he was. (Or what little fans he had left, due to the rather asinine Prophet being Fudge's way of talking to the people and hailing bigoted, ignorant hatred and just general stupidity, that is...)

It seemed that due to something inside, he had been let in on the infamous story that circulated within the Goblins: The Dumbledore Conspiracy theory.

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><p>"...No. You're screwing with me, aren't you." Harry said albeit more calmly than his last outburst, his young teenager body tensed by the shock of the revelation that the man across him had just delivered. Oddly enough, this particular man was Severus Snape, epically bat-like cape and all. "Actually Potter, I am not. I don't recall waking up in your bed this morning." And despite the rather dire circumstances that Harry had just been informed of, he cracked a smile. Despite their previous animosity at school, Harry didn't quite hate the man as much as he used to. Due to one rather memorable encounter when he had seen the Potion's headmaster on the Dursley's front lawn, sneering up at him... Well, one thing led to another and Snape accidentally found out about the Dursley family's rather asinine behavior in being guardians to the Boy-Who-Lived, and Harry had gained a semi-ally that wouldn't hesitate to put him in his place if need be, with means of verbal attacking. He actually found he rather enjoyed the challenge of being the man's... Friend, for a lack of a better word.<p>

And so, Snape had kidnapped him from the Du-I mean, had kindly escorted him to his Gringotts vault under the pretension that he was getting his money. Which he was, it was just that the bank was neutral territory... And so, he told the Potter boy what speculations he had drawn with the Goblins. (He and the Goblins were somehow not completely at odds, despite their race. Harry assumed they got along due to their rather cynical and sarcastic demeanors.) Which was, as we've stated before earlier in the chapter; "The Dumbledore Conspiracy Theory."

... Not that the DCT was backed up by numerous takings from Harry's vault which he totally didn't authorize, no. Yes, totally didn't happen. Not that every single bloody thing in his life made sense. Oh yeah.

Pfffft... Yeah right. Oh, Harry Potter was informed, and now he was _pissed. _Voldemort would be probably proud at the amount of hatred that the Boy-who-lived was generating towards an old man who bloody well looked like a color-blind Santa Claus.

And to be honest, Snape was mostly informing Potter for the shits and giggles. Not that he giggled, but he did want to see what creative means Harry could extract revenge on the man whose eyes twinkled like a deranged house elf.

"Well, Potter... You can't make an enemy out of him- That is, by suing him. Mostly because the man basically has control over most of the Wizarding World, and the fact of this would be reported in the news... Most likely, and then the Death Eaters would be on you like starving wolves on a half-dead rabbit."

Potter slumped. He wasn't pouting, he wasn't. "So I can't get my bloody money back-" "-Language, Potter." "-Sorry Sir, but um. Yeah, I can't get my money back, but there _are _other ways on how to get even with him, yes?"

Snape smirked. Oh yes, using the boy for extracting revenge for both of them was _definitely_ a good idea. And by the way, he was _furious_ to know that the Potter boy could've been in _his _house, but turned it down. He would've loved to see Harry thrive in that sort of cutthroat enviroment.

"That would be correct, Potter."

All of a sudden, a particularly _evil, unholy _gleam lit up in the boy's green orbs, and despite himself Snape shivered. He may be a Death Eater, but even he had felt a sudden surge of pity for the color-blind Santa Claus. Namely because Potter was on a bloody mission now, and it was probably going make the Headmaster end up in a body bind, or even in the Mental Ward in Saint Mungo's, muttering "Mimblewimble".

"... What are you going to do, Potter?" He asked warily.

A particularly maniacal cackle emitted itself from the boy's throat, and Harry looked rather like a deranged elf himself. "Know thine enemy, Professor! Dumbledore will rue the day he was born! Mwahahahahahahaha~"

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><p>And so in Diagon Alley, even more babies cried at the sound of the evil laughter that spread out through the streets like a sort of demented lullaby. Full-grown men shivered, and Mothers hustled their children away from the Wizarding bank.<p>

Something even more terrible than Moldyshorts had awakened, and it was directed at one person:

Albus Dumbledore.

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><p>In the Headmaster's office, Dumbledore suddenly sneezed. Unfortunately, this caused him to choke on the Lemondrop he was eating...<p>

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><p>BAB: Okay. This is a sort of crack-spoof-thingamajig of your typical Harry potter revenge-against-Dumbledore fic. I emphasize the the three words after "This is a sort of". I wrote this for shits and giggles, and to <em>spread<em> the shits and giggles. Flamers will be viewed as trolling and will be only laughed at. Especially ones that don't really make a point and have horrid grammar. This has been sitting around for a while in my head, so I'm pretty sure I didn't steal anything. If you think I have, my sincere apologies.

Now, for the love of crack- Please Review!


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